i hate being here

i hate being here.

if i could tell anything to anyone right now and there not be repercussions for my actions, i would thank my roommates for showing me a perfect picture of what the worst friends in the world look like.

how do i love someone that continually does not love me back and continually hurts me? i guess i need to be using agape love...loving them and not expect to get anything out of it. i wanted to take her to sushi this week, but i chickened out. i have so many things to say to her, but i think my breath would be useless if i said it to her. "if your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you." -prov. 25:21. this is what i know i should do...i wish my conflict styles weren't avoidance or accommodating. this would be easier if i were competing or collaborating...anything except avoiding the issue. i need to ask God to give me the strength to do something nice for my enemy. my frustrations tire me out. i think about it all day long every day. it wears on my body and i can't sleep at night, it wears on me mentally because i want a solution to the problem, but most of all it wears deeply on my soul.

my heart hurts immensely.

i pray i can forgive. i pray that i will see the end of this valley and be able to stand on the mountain. i pray i can live.